Why an extra holiday? Because certain Americans who are lucky and blessed to have a job (shoutout to those hard workers by the way) will be drunk and way too hungover to fight traffic in their dry-cleaned suits from the previous day that contained Budweisers, Barbecue sauces and sweat from staying up all night long in the waiting room of the ER to wait for the doctors and surgeons to treat their 15-year-old son's hands that was blown up while thinking he can set off a fireworks set he bought in Palmdale. Yeah, great parenting skills, along with your daughter becoming pregnant before her high school senior year and having your son "come out of the closet" are pretty much standard in these certain parts of the United States. Plus they'll also be too hungover to claim a traffic violation in court, too hungover to mail off a package to a your half cousin in New England in the Post Office, too hungover to withdraw that money from your savings in the bank to pay off a bet you lost from a recent World Cup game, and too hungover to stream porn on your Macbook Pro via Wi-Fi in the private study booth at the public library. That's why we, I mean they, got an extra day off on Monday.
Now that I got that out of the way, I wanna bring up something that occurred last Friday. On July 2, Lindsay Lohan just turned 24. On the morning of her birthday, which is 3AM on a Friday, she went to a bar or a restaurant and while she was there she all of a sudden got punched by a waitress who works at the bar or restaurant. After I read the headline at first I though it was just a typical Lindsay Lohan wasted episode of her life, but when they said that its happened on her birthday, of all 364 days in the calendar, I then thought to myself that this is gonna go on for a long time with lawsuits and everything else we get tired off. Now I could say alot about this event, but I already heard enough for the past 5 years.
I'm used to seeing this Lindsay on the cover of the GQ magazine I'm holding when I bought in 11th grade, instead of this current one (I took this photo last week on my webcam) If I had a chance to, I'd go back to 2004, at the premiere of Mean Girls in Hollywood. I'd move past the Paparazzi and the media press, in my Mitchell and Ness Randall Cunningham throwback Eagles Jersey, large oversized Sean John jeans and Funkmaster Flex signature Lugz boots. Security will go up to me and I'll tell them that I need to speak to Lindsay and its really important. I'd bribe them with Lakers tickets (hey, its my fantasy). I'd shove her current ex Wilmer Valderama out of the way, go up to Lindsay, pose for a quick photo and I tell her "Lindasy, as great as you are right now, keep making movies and STAY HOME. Trust me, you won't regret it." After that, I'd pose for another picture and she'd autograph the back of my Sidekick II, which I stole from someone's gift bag while they were setting up the afterparty for the premiere.
At the end, she's a celebrity. Like I said in the past, they're regular people, going through shit we dealt with, only to do outlandish violations just to only get attention and have their publicists sell a story to the press. Now I hope future Disney Channel stars are reading this and taking notes to avoid getting an electronic device monitor attached to one of their legs.
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